Oh my God. Am I { whispering }…am I…bitter?

Amazon recommended a book for me – Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You’ll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself.

Apparently, Amazon knows I’m 37 and single. My first reaction was to call Amazon and tell them I am happily so, and not going to take their recommendation, thank you. But I started thinking about it. The idea of being irresistible…now that’s got teeth. I’ve been called a lot of things in my lifetime – cute, funny, Kathy Bates in Misery – but never “irresistible.” Yummy. Every time I say it, my lip curls up a little on the left. { Insert hesitant growl here. }

Plus the author, Marie Forleo, has Chiclet-white teeth. Maybe she explains in the book whether they’re real…or a $10,000 veneer job. Or actual Chiclets.

Ok, Amazon, send me the damn book already.

According to the irresistible author, there are eight secrets to magnetizing men. Now my lip curls in a different direction. Magnetizing…really? Just making my way to the movie theatre at the mall would be a nightmare. All those men being ripped from their food court seats? How would we make it up the escalator?

But back to the book…

Secret #1 is “To Hell With the Rules.” Amen, sister.

Secret #2: “Trash Your Perfect Man List.” Ok, but I’m keeping “non-felon.”

Secret #3: “When It’s Men vs. Women, Everyone Loses.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a master’s degree in Family Studies. I was going to be a Marriage and Family Therapist. I think I know—wait, WHAT?!?

On page 85, it says

“…Women forget that their thoughts and judgments about men impact the way men behave around them. If you believe your thoughts reside exclusively in the privacy of your own mind, think again. Your thoughts are palpable and resonate with others. If you judge someone as incompetent, insensitive, or stupid, they feel it.”

First of all, my mother would have washed my mouth out with the soap if I’d ever called anyone stupid. In our house, saying “stupid” or “shut up” was the equivalent of dropping the f-bomb. And I was so conditioned not to say it, I couldn’t even think it without a mental mouth washing.

So I could never think of any man as stupid.

But I grew up in an ultra-traditional West Texas in the 70’s, the only child of divorced parents. My limited exposure to men came from my grandfather, a football coach, and his whistle blowing circle of friends. By the time I was five, I’d internalized some pretty strong beliefs about men and women. Until this moment, I’d never really thought about them. And I’ve certainly never written them down. But here is a sampling:

• Unless you’re naked or packing pork ribs, men don’t really enjoy the company of women.
• If it’s football season, it won’t matter if you’re naked.
• And women, for that matter, don’t really enjoy the company of men. If it’s friendship you’re looking for, you’ll need a steady diet of girlfriends, gay men, The Golden Girls, and Haagen Dazs.
• Whether it’s a Thanksgiving meal, Fourth of July block party, or company event, couples gonna part like the Red Sea. Say goodbye to your husbands, ladies…because he’ll be watching TV with all the other husbands. While you’re sticking your hand inside a turkey.
• Good luck finding a lifelong marriage free from the occasional indiscretion, bouts of boredom, “who the hell are you?!”, or desire to shoot oneself in the foot.
• A man (at least one in a marriage “traditional”) will expect you to wait on him hand and foot. You’ll give up your life to take care of him. And when you’re sick, he won’t even bring you the Vick’s Vapor Rub.
• Men are from most definitely from Mars.

Oh my God! All this time, I thought I was pro Mr. Manly. When, actually, I’m one rotting wedding cake away from Miss Havisham!!!

MUST…GET…HELP. And the next time I’m at Target, a bar of Dove soap.