{ YES THIS IS REPRINTED FROM MY FORMER BLOG, BUT WOULD IT KILL YOU TO READ IT AGAIN? }

Who needs a man? Or chocolate, for that matter? When you have Miss Cindy?

Scoff if you will, naysayers. Every party needs a pooper. But, personally, if I had a choice between Matthew McConaughey and a mud wrap, my name would be mud. There’s nothing more relaxing than a well-executed spa service. Besides, does anyone else think Matthew McConaughey has T-Rex arms?

My latest fixation has been how to take care of the epidermis that brought me into this world while I’m losing 60 pounds. The LAST thing a girl wants is to look like a Shar Pei in skinny jeans. So, I’ve been drinking gallons of water, downing loads of salmon and spinach, and now I’ve actually joined a spa. Who knew such a thing could be done? But it’s true! For $99 a month, I have unlimited access to a spa about seven miles from my house. Unlimited access to the Jacuzzi, sauna and…wait for it…(echoing) wet steam room, steam room, steam room. Have any of you ever been into a wet steam room? Think Houston in July…except you’re naked and surrounded by the smell of eucalyptus oil. It’s the best thing EVER…and completely eliminates every toxin and ounce of water weight that ails you.

But I digress.

As part of my new fabulous spa membership, I get one deluxe spa service a month. Which brings me to Miss Cindy. Who may be the second coming of Jesus, by the way. And whom I met on Thursday when I went in to redeem my monthly service…the Deluxe Korean Body Scrub. Here’s how it went: Miss Cindy greets me. She’s a delightful Korean woman who speaks maybe four words of English but has the sweetest smile and sparkly eyes. She motions for me to lie down on a large cushiony table in a room separated by the rest of the women’s spa area by a tri-fold screen. It was my birthday that day…and I was going to have to be in nothing but my birthday suit for this service. Being naked is not usually my favorite thing. But this woman looks harmless enough. And she’s probably seen it all, right? Plus, she’s in a bikini herself. So, off comes the terry cloth robe and every shred of dignity.

But wait, she hands me something. It looks like a hair net. No, it’s the paper panties I’m supposed to put on. She can’t be serious! It looks like a bookmark with an elastic band. Note to self: Bring bikini bottoms to next service.

I put them on. Miss Cindy says “stomach” and motions for me to lie down. I can’t see what she’s going to do because she covers my head with a towel (I’ll learn why later). And beginning with my ankles, she begins to exfoliate every dead skin cell I’ve ever had…or ever will have in my whole life. I can’t tell what she’s using…loofah mitts, pumice stones or the holy grail…but holy crap. I’ve been getting spa services since I was 12 years old and I’ve never had something like this. I quickly realize this is going to be the most profound 80 minutes of my life.

Minus the Good China, Miss Cindy exfoliates every square inch of my person. Then walks over to a large vessel of water and fills a bucket full, which she throws at me. Hence the towel over my head. She obviously knows what she’s doing, because over the course of 80 minutes, she’ll throw 30 buckets of perfectly heated water on me without getting a single drop on my face.

So we spend about 60 of the 80 minutes doing a hybrid of naked Twister and the YMCA (I play all four Village People). Miss Cindy has me flip onto my back, then both sides, while carefully keeping me from sliding right off the edge of the vinyl table (I can’t help but wonder if she’s ever lost someone to slippage). And let me tell you, this woman HAS to be a mother. Because she makes it her mission in life to get me squeaky clean. You know how your boyfriend or husband gives you a “massage.” The “I’m-so-not-paying-attention-and-just-want-to-watch-TV” massage? Well, this is the opposite of that. This is the “mom-the-night-before-your-4th-grade-school-photo” bath.

Then…wait, I almost can’t say it without crying…she swaddles me. SWADDLES! Remember when you were a kid and your mother wrapped you in a towel when you got out and hugged you? Exactly! She covered me in warm towels and swaddled my dead-skin-free body, carefully drying each appendage and phalange. But wait there’s more. Just when I thought I had experienced a Biblical miracle and it couldn’t possibly get any better, she massaged me with lavender scented body oil, gave me a facial mask and massage, and washed.my.hair.

I don’t know if Miss Cindy understood anything I said to her when I said goodbye. Which is probably a good thing. “I think you might be the Messiah” might be a little much for a first appointment. The second one, maybe. Trust me, I will be seeing her again in EXACTLY 30 days. For those of you who have never had a Deluxe Korean Body Scrub, run (don’t walk) to your nearest Korean day spa. And if you’re in the Pasadena/L.A. area, don’t go to anyone but Miss Cindy. You can find the link to Spa Pura on The Egg Roll.